Don’t Let The Ghosts Chase You

他是第二個能讓我循環一整夜的男子。其實很多時候能安慰我們的不是華麗的排場,而是在所有修飾都褪去之後,他們最真切的樣子。我們都被自己困住,困在我們的驕傲與罪惡裡,我們的渴望與恐懼裡,困在帶著一定紀律卻同時也能把我們逼瘋的生活裡。

我以為已經沒事了,但是怎麼,儘管燈光昏暗,我還是一眼就認出了你,還是在你的眼睛裡找到深邃的夜空,我還是掉了進去,那個久違的自由和舒暢,還是覺得好熟悉,近得只剩昨天到今天的距離。原來沉到心底的事都還埋在骨子裡,看似已經消退的癮,血液裡都還找得到清不乾淨的毒。也許吧,釋懷的意思指的是,我們沒有忘記,只是過往的一切已經不至於打亂生活每天該做的事。

讓你難受的是你自己的面容,映照在舊時的場景裡,都顯得狼狽。然後安東尼跟我說,不要自己嚇自己,已經不早了,先把夜晚都睡去,把剛喚醒的感覺都睡去,至於明天的事情,我們明天再去擔心。

Terenife Sea

Another man I can stay up and listen to all night long. Keep repeating. Keep exploring. A genuine voice is the greatest comfort to the other million restless minds. We are all stuck somewhere, somewhere that makes us feel small. We are stuck with ourselves. We are stuck with our pride and shame. We are stuck with our desires and fears. We are stuck with lives that keep us sane and drive us crazy all the same time.

I thought I moved on because I finally stopped reminiscing about those touches and conversations. But why is that, why didn’t it cost me even a second to recognize your outline in the dark? Why do I still see you celestial? Why do I still see the night sky trapped in your eyes and I still get lost in them?

Things our brains try to forget stay in our bones and show in our dreams. What troubles you is your own reflection in them. But We will figure it out sooner or later, won’t we? Eventually? And we will be fine. Don’t let the ghosts chase you. Let tomorrow worry for itself. Now, sleep.

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紐約之四:萊辛頓大道

But you don’t know where to begin
‘Cause you’ve spent a lifetime fitting in
Only to wind out on the other side

Or maybe we should take a ride
Through the night
And sing along to every song
That’s on the radio…

– Ed Sheeran’s “New York” from Album x, 2014


Lexington Avenue

人類文明是整個宇宙裡最先進也最落後的一件事情。我們創造,同時也破壞,是一種很霸道的美,在紐約,不過分多,也不過分少,恰恰好到正好飽和的程度,讓人有點想脫離卻又忍不住充滿仰慕。

我逃跑的路線是一場集散成冊。在第一次跌倒的時候,我怪罪是對方的問題,但是等到第二次、第三次時,才意識到,也許和別人無關,是自己的體質,一次次墜落。

以毒攻毒。我誤食了一帖劑量過高的藥,更暈眩、更迷幻,甚至滅了那場久久不退的高燒,整個人飄飄欲仙,幾乎奔月。終於,終於不用再歹戲拖棚地在地面上折騰了,終於可以不用被身體困住了,終於不用再失望了。我發現自己已經不忍直視那個高燒退去後殘存的樣貌了,只得尷尬又倔強得別過臉去,卻還捨不得乾脆地走開、捨不得直接扔棄,因為能感覺到還殘留著一點的餘溫,安安靜靜的,而那樣的溫度源自於心裡對這段回憶的珍惜。